How To Get A Ph.D. In Love - Part I of II
By Tonja Weimer
Spending a month at Oxford University in England this fall, I had the opportunity to talk to students working on their Ph.D. Since my daughter is a student there, I had access to a large group of people from around the world. Some of the doctoral candidates had been there for five to ten years. When I said I was confused about why it took so long, they pointed out that some people have been there even longer, or, never finish at all. It made me curious about why some were successful and others weren’t.
As we talked, it was obvious that the struggles of these students were no different from the challenges that any single faces. Here are the reasons some of the students made it and others didn’t. You may identify with these same three issues if you are single and looking for love.
Three Reasons Why You Won’t Get Your Ph.D. In LOVE:
1. ISOLATION Doctoral students all said that as they worked on their degree, they became more and more isolated. What they were trying to achieve was unique in their field and they rarely had anyone to talk with about it. Without interaction with others, they would start to doubt their purpose. The picture they started out with in their mind of what a doctorate would do for them became confused and distorted over time.
ISOLATION is also the reason singles do not succeed at dating and meeting someone they can love. It seems easier to go home from work, eat a sandwich, and watch TV, than to try and go out socially…especially when you are alone. Isolation breeds isolation, and soon you will have no confidence to get out of the house.
SOLUTION FOR SINGLES: If you want to break this routine, you are going to have to make a planned effort. Start by being friendly to everyone you meet. Then, tell your friends that you want to meet someone; make plans to go out in a group or with one friend; and sign up for one of the internet dating services after you read a good book about how to be successful at doing it. (Try, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M BUYING THIS BOOK, by Evan Marc Katz.) (Check reading list at www.singlesdatingtips.com.) Also, go to every single’s event you can find in your area.
2. LACK OF SUPPORT Doctoral students said that along with the isolation comes a lack of support systems. They spend so much time working on their thesis; they have no time for friends, family, or other groups of people they need to talk to. Then, when they have a problem or a disappointment, they have no one to turn to in helping them work it through.
SUPPORT for the students comes in the form of having found a wise advisor who is accessible. They also find support in a team of fellow students who meet once a week to discuss their challenges. And finally, they remember to stay in touch with their true blue friends who have always been there for them. When you are striving toward a big goal, you need a cheering section. The same is true for singles.
SOLUTION FOR SINGLES: You will have a harder time navigating the dating waters without your support team. You need people who will go with you to social events, and other people who will introduce you to someone. You will not feel so alone if you also have people who will listen, care, and give you encouragement. What you DON’T need are people who think you won’t meet someone wonderful.
3. DISCOURAGEMENT AND NEGATIVE VOICES Trying to get a degree in an obscure field that few people have ever heard of and spending ten years of your life trying to do it seems like an extreme example of how life can get discouraging. And yet, do you know someone who has been waiting for Mr. RIGHT forever? Students and singles both are faced with negative voices. Your own negative voice within plus the doubters around you could easily sink your boat of hope.
DISCOURAGEMENT is a huge obstacle for singles. If you are looking for something but you’ve never had it, so you don’t know what it looks or feels like, you can start to think you’re crazy. When there are hundreds of negative voices around you saying things like, “There’s no such thing as a great love,” you start to doubt the possibility of your dreams.
SOLUTION FOR SINGLES: Quiet the inner voice by rephrasing the thought. Tell yourself you CAN and will meet someone. Then, polish everything about yourself and go out and be accessible and friendly.
Isolation, lack of support teams, and voices of discouragement are the three causes of failure in any endeavor. But if you face the fear, put these three issues in place, and stick to your path, you will be successful. I know you will.
Be sure to read, Part II: The number one reason people fail to get their degree…or to find love.
Additional Information - Provided by the Author
Tonja Evetts Weimer, M.A., is a Master Certified Single’s Coach and Life Coach. Read more of her articles at www.singlesdatingtips.com. To contact her, call 864-294-9494 or email tonja@tonjaweimer.com