Self Help Book Reviews

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The Monogamy Myth:

A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs

By Peggy Vaughan

 

Book Review of "The Monogamy Myth"

 

The Monogamy Myth by Peggy Vaughan is a book that is likely to be of use to you if either you or your partner has had or are having an affair. Peggy Vaughan herself experienced the trauma of finding out that her husband had had 15 extramarital affairs during their marriage and yet she and he were then able to rebuild their marriage. Vaughan makes clear in the book that she believes its ideas will also be of use for couples in the early stages of relationships to help reduce the likelihood of either party having an affair in the future.

 

The Monogamy Myth, Vaughan explains, is the societal belief that most marriages or commited relationships do not involve affairs or infidelity and that if an extramarital affair happens it is a personal failure of one or both parties. Vaughan alludes to various statistics which in fact suggest that a high percentage of both men and women have affairs during marriage or during a long term committed relationship, suggesting that conservative estimates are that 60% of men and 40% of women will have at least one extramarital affair.

 

Vaughan's argument is not that because so many people have affairs this makes it right or that we should all accept it as inevitable. Instead she suggests that the belief that a monogamous relationship is normal and easy puts pressure on couples to avoid talking about natural thoughts and feelings - such as attractions to other parties outside a relationship - because such thoughts or feelings may be perceived as wrong or as a sign of personal weakness. The consequence of this shoving under the carpet of temptations and of the refusal to acknowledge that feelings of attractions to others exist can be that the parties will be less able to deal with the temptations in a healthy manner, thus making an affair more likely. In many cases the party having the affair will try to keep it secret and discreet and the other party if they do suspect it may seek to deny what is happening. One of the main parts of Vaughan's argument therefore is that parties to a committed relationship should be willing to talk honestly about difficult thoughts and feelings - in a sensitive manner - rather than feeling the need to be secretive because of feelings of shame or guilt.

 

Vaughan's book includes numerous illuminating examples and quotations from people who have discovered that their partner is having an affair. The examples she cites reveal the extent of the devastation, humiliation, shock and loss of self esteem that may be felt on such a discovery and she provides sensible practical suggestions for people in this situation to help them cope and move forward. The book is divided into four sections covering: why affairs happen, the experience of finding out about an affair and its consequences, the healing processes and finally a section called "A Time of Reckoning". This concluding section considers the dilemma for the injured party of whether to divorce or continue with a marriage after an affair. Vaughan provides suggestions for how to live with the decision you make and then gives a final chapter pointing towards a new way of looking at affairs. In that final chapter Vaughan tackles some of the underpinning ideas of the Monogamy Myth one by one, suggesting a different way of looking at each notion so as to provide a more constructive approach to the notion of marital affairs which she suggests will actually increase the prospects of partners remaining monogamous and committed to one another.

 

Peggy Vaughan states that her own preference is still for monogamy and she believes a committed monogamous relationship is still achievable if relationships contain greater honesty and openness in communication. This is likely to require hard work from both parties to the relationship. At points in the book Vaughan highlights the example of her own restored marriage and the foundation of honesty which she and her partner between them succeeded in creating after the painful discovery of his affairs, to support her own advocacy of a new approach to relationships and this difficult issue.

 

This book is essential reading for anyone struggling with the possibility or reality of their partner or themselves having an affair and it may also be of interest to anyone who thinks it just can't happen to them and that it is somebody else's problem.

 

To go to to Amazon.co.uk where you can purchase "The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs" by Peggy Vaughan, please click on the image below:

 

 

David Bonham-Carter, the Founder of Life Coach Tips, and writer of this Review is a Life Coach and Stress Consultant with over 15 years of professional experience in the field of personal change management. He founded this directory of life coaching articles in order to bring life coaching ideas and techniques to a wider audience. To find out more about the particular life coaching services David himself offers, please go to: Life Coach David Bonham-Carter.

 

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